I was working the other night and a man came in who had been charged with sexual assault. Though I have handled a lot of criminal charges, and though I have met a lot of people who have committed or at least been charged with a lot of heinous things, I have never been aware of meeting someone who has been charged with sexual assault.
My reaction to him was very unexpected, and has made me rather thoughtful in the aftermath.
I had to force myself to look him in the eyes. I had to force myself to shake his hand, to sit across the desk from him as opposed to inching towards the door. I had to force myself to push down the feelings of disgust, of revulsion, of fear that welled up in me. I had to force myself to not rub my arms when my skin began to crawl.
I was thoughtful of this reaction for two reasons: (1) why was my reaction so pronounced and so spontaneous - like a reflex, and (2) why was my mind so insistant on resisting this reaction because that was a conscious thought - "I must behave as if everything is normal and I am not having this reaction."
Was it a matter of pride? Of professional ethics? How about a response to some deep-seated feelings of victimization that precipitated when confronted with this person who had been accused of this - a crime of violence and power. I'm not suggesting that I have ever been the victim of a crime like this...or even close to it. But perhaps, even still, it was a sort of I-will-not-let-him-see-my-fear reaction. Sexual assault is a crime that all women - all women - live in fear of...perhaps not consuming fear...but it's there. Especially when you live alone, in a city, and you refuse to tailor your life to the safe places, safe times of day. Hmmm...that's funny, it seems like the more I refuse to live in fear, the more I am reminded of all the things there are to fear...but I digress.
Or perhaps I was afraid that my reaction was symptomatic of some unconscious racism (he was black), or prejudice (he was an immigrant). And I am afraid that despite my conscious effort and belief in openmindedness and equality, I am afraid that my heart hasn't quite caught up with my head yet. I am afraid that if my suspicions are true in that regard then it will reveal me and everything I believe as phony.
Or perhaps there were more noble intentions behind my actions - perhaps I actually do believe that people are innocent until proven guilty. There is no question that people who are charged with that offence are convicted in the public eye long before they are in court...and highly stigmatized. Perhaps I wanted to buck that trend and provide a little humanity, some respect, some sanity. I don't know...that seems a bit unlikely...even if it sounds good in theory.
Ok but then that begs the question...is it enough for us to treat people with respect or do we have to believe it too. Assuming he's guilty, I shook the hand of a rapist yesterday. That doesn't sit well with me...it actually gives me the chills. I don't know that my heart is big enough...that my mind is big enough to ever be ok with that.
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5 comments:
I'm of the opinion that you just have to show it without not neccessarily feeling it, persay. You acted professionally and handled it as good as you could have, in my opinion.
I don't know if I could have done that.
And I don't think it's so much of a question of guilt or not, but just the reminder of a deep-seated fear that was brought up.
Scary.
Wow. That really must have been tough for you. I'm not a woman, and therefore can't fully comprehend it, but whenever I deal with a sexual assailant, I can't help but get angry myself. I just have to put faith in the system to get it right in order to deal with them. Your position of defending them must be doulby as hard to have to go through. You can't help but feel what you do, but in the end of the day, you've got a job to do just like me and the results come as they do.
Lindz, I have no idea how I would have felt. Especially as I'm technically only a member of the public. I despise this crime above all other. Much respect for keeping it together. In fact, it sounds like you even used your emotional response to the advantage. Well done lady!
Kudos to your for having that kind of self-knowledge. I just came across your blog, so I know very little about what exactly you do for a living. However, as a psychologist-in-training, I already have had to interaction with some less-than-pleasant folks, and I know there are many more to come, including some which may fit into a category as horrendous as rapists. I also know that I'm gonna have to self-reflect a lot to figure out who I can see, and who I will not be able to treat with objectivity.
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