This is probably going to wind up being a little more personal then I would like...but I had the girls over tonight and I've had too much chocolate and just enough red wine to feel like telling some self truth.
I've alluded to my controlling nature on more than one occasion. I like to compartmentalize my life, down to segregating my friends from eachother: high school friends here, McGill friends there, law school friends here, UBC friends there, work friends some place else...and boys...well they get a whole spot in my life to themselves. I don't like them to mingle...it gives me anxiety on the odd occasion when I consent to worlds colliding. My high school friends tease me that they won't meet a boyfriend until after the wedding. I laugh...but there is a kernel of truth to it.
I don't know what it is...I profess about how wonderful my friends are...how accepting and unconditional their friendship is. I believe that...after all, these are people who helped me get over unbelievable insecurity issues that I left high school with...those who shall remain nameless may recall an early meeting involving me beating my head against a metal door frame. I tell my new friends about the Lindz of days past and they don't believe me. And it's true...I am confident now...and fiercely independent, and stubborn as all hell. So I'd like to think that I don't believe or care about what my friends think of eachother, or of my boyfriends or of me for being involved with all of the above. I'm more inclined to believe that my issues in this regard are a vestige of the past - a sliver of non-confidence in my own decisions - a reminder that I once was not so decisive - the tell tale heart in my closet of skeletons...maybe I'm just not good enough...and maybe everyone will be able to see it if he is generalized to the rest of my life.
But I don't have the luxury this time around...he's a relative of my boss...he's now met everyone that I work with...I've met his parents for crying out loud...my tell tale heart is thudding in my ears...and revealing itself in newly developed neuroses. This was supposed to be casual. This was supposed to last exactly three weeks until I left for my vacation. I offered him supposedly what every guy wants...sex with no strings. I was very up front about it...I got verbal confirmation (albeit somewhat manipulated...but I'm not going to go there here). And yet here we are...and I'm playing the multiple phone calls a day and cute text messages, and playfulness and flirting...and I feel like I'm being wooed for crying out loud. And I don't know how things went off the rails...I remember when...in crystal clear technicolor because the alarm bells started clanging loudly, but I don't know know how. My colleague says that the simple explanation for all of this is that I stole the remote control. He says that men like to control the relationship, just like they like to control what is watched on tv. I set the parameters of what was game and what was off limits (namely: any sort of emotional attachment), and I made the "relationship" forbidden fruit...and that's why he wants it now. Well shit...if I'd known that's how the game was played, I may have done several things differently in the past.
Regardless...I now find myself in a position where I feel like I'm losing control a little bit...capitulating just a little bit. This is usually the point at which I turn tail and run...hence my laundry list of "the ones who got away."
See, I think that part of my self-growth, en-confidencing procedure was to become independent, and to be able to rely on myself. Travelling - China, India, South - East Asia - that was a huge factor there...learning to rely on myself. But I think I've gone too far in the other direction. I resist relying on anyone for anything...including orgasms. No, seriously...it's about reliability...consistency...dependability. The fact of the matter is that people are flakey...they let you down...they lose interest....and then you get hurt...or disappointed...or heart broken. And then I worry that maybe my self confidence is too fragile, too young to withstand a blow like that. Yeah but the really fucked up thing is that I really am a romantic at heart...a cynical romantic. It reminds me of the first verse of that Stevie Wonder song, "I Believe (When I Fall In love It will Be Forever)":
Shattered dreams, worthless years,
Here am I encased inside a hollow shell,
Life began, then was done,
Now I stare into a cold and empty well
The many sounds that meet our ears
the sights our eyes behold,
Will open up our merging hearts,
And feed our empty souls
Ha.. that's me...emotionally void - a cold and empty well - yet still holding out hope for prince Charming. The problem is that even if I met him...I'd probably run. My red wine buzz has worn off now...I should probably publish this before I lose my nerve.
3 comments:
i dunno lindz... there's a few loose threads here... for example, if you were emotionally void, you wouldn't be worrying about this in the first place, right? and boy-o-boy do i reckon you're way off about guys wanting sex with no strings.. met as many girls as guys that do. and it all sounds like a protective mechanism to me. but you know what, who gives a shit? have a laugh, let go of the wheel (because you know it ain't really attached to no steering column) and ride that there flesh pony into the sunset!
ya. i'm with tom. let the facade of control loose. c'est fun. and most women i know like to hold the relationship remote just as much as dudes. although there's definitely something phallic in that.
Nothing wrong with keeping different groups of friends apart. I do it all the time...
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