A Lesson Learned, a Mistake Repeated?

After my post on Saturday I went out to "the farm" (the one of past posts; the source of, at times, both great delight and my utter undoing; a location in which I always manage to try something new). This weekend was not to disappoint. New things I tried: 1) laying laminate click flooring, 2) using a table saw, 3) eating pig that had been roasted on a spit (they roasted the whole thing: ears, nose, eyes, feet and all), 4) drinking 50 proof Slovakian plum brandy, 5) kissing a Slovak (the one who provided the aforementioned plum brandy). I blame the last item on my farm-owning friend who has decided that the best way to get me to abandon my plan to move back to Vancouver and stay in Alberta is to marry me off to said Slovak and have me making babies with him before the year is out. She says this out loud, too...to just about anyone who will listen. It's not going to happen, I tell her. But he's pretty cute: tall, blond, sexy accent, handy...he taught me how to use a nail gun this weekend...it's not like I'm torturing myself to play with him a bit.

In what could prove to be a very bad decision, I have accepted an invitation to the fights on Friday night from my ex. He of the farm from last year; he of the still occasional inappropriate text message. I have decided that seeing as his presence in my life is unavoidable, I am determined to make it work...and in order to see that happen, I have begun to deal with his inappropriate comments and innuendo with violence or the threat of violence. He makes a suggestive comment and I slug him one in the gut. It worked this weekend, and by worked I mean it was a mutually agreeable resolution to the problem and by mutually agreeable I mean that I suspect it turns him on, but it makes me feel like my point is being made. We each win in our own ways. Anyways, I've totally digressed. There's a professional boxing event in town on friday and he bought a table and I've never watched professional boxing and so I accepted. The fact that the Slovak is going to be there (because they are friends, how cozy is that?) may or may not have influenced my acceptance of the invitation. For the record, my ex knows of the current situation with the Slovak...he was there this weekend. Also, for the record, I took the gold, slinky, must-be-taped-on, neck-line-down-to-the-navel shirt to the dry cleaner today. I've decided I don't feel like playing fair.

In true when-it-rains-it-pours fashion, the Slovak is not the only man in my life right now. There's also the - wait for it - 20 year old Newfie with the scar on his cheek, the kissable lips, and the amazingly sexy back, artfully covered in tattoos. He's the kind that's not really much for the words, but has this totally smouldering look in his eyes. But, that's right...he's 20. T-w-e-n-t-y. To add a little complication to the matter, I'm going to see Coach from last year on Saturday night. This was my rugby coach from last year that I had a fling with and, well, it's rugby season again...

And what of the lesson learned? One of my closest friends is going through a rough time with her boyfriend right now. Between me and those who read this, I think he is no where near good enough for her. I think he is a user and a cheater and a loser in general. She has helped him turn his life around in innumerable ways - not the least of which includes sinking thousands of dollars into fixing his house (not improving it, mind you, but things like paying off outstanding bills to the gas, phone and water company so they will resume service) and fixing his life (things like paying off his criminal AND family lawyers who a) helped him avoid conviction on criminal offences, and b) helped him deal with the totally crazy mother of his child who intentionally got pregnant while telling him she was on the pill. This woman is the most despicable, vile creature I have ever come across in my life. My opinion of her is formed almost entirely (I've only met her once for about 5 minutes) on the negligent and unfit way in which she parents her son which begins with the fact that her son has symptoms of Fetal Alcohol Spectrum Disorder and degenerates from there.) This situation does not get better...I could go on for hours about the "virtues" which are this guy. But here's the problem: she sees potential in him and up until recently, I saw what she saw. I truly did. And then I came into a series of pieces of information that indicated he was cheating on her. And I believe the information to be true. After all that she has done for him... I firmly believe that if it wasn't for my friend he would be or would soon be incarcerated - this was the way his life was headed. After all she has done for him, he cheats on her. I am beside myself with anger and spite and vengefulness, on behalf of my friend. But the thing is that I remembered prior incidents with two of my friends and I remembered that this is her life and not mine. And my role is to be the friend and not the judge.

With deference to the lesson learned back in undergrad, I told her what I knew. Circumstantial, whatever, I told her what I knew. To do otherwise would have been a betrayal. But with deference to the lesson learned a few years ago, I gave her the information without judgment. I held my tongue about what I thought of him. To do otherwise would have alienated her. To do either of those things at a time when she needs a trustworthy confidant would have made me a bad friend. Because she is going to do what she is going to do. And she is going to believe what she is going to believe. And she is going to forgive what she is going to forgive. And one of two things is going to happen: they are going to stay together forever or she is going to get up the courage to leave him. And in either of those situations, the knowledge that I loathe him is not going to help her. Had I expressed my opinion, and then had she chosen to stay with him (which is a decision she would have made regardless of what I thought) my disapproval would have cut off the lines of communication between us. And she did decide to stay with him in this circumstance. But she needs me to stand by her, not in judgment of her...that is my role right now.