One of the hardest things about getting back into blogging is introspection. I know I have these inward thoughts about the world but I've gotten out of the habit of noting them for future writing topics. So I sit down to write and all that comes to mind is, "Dear diary, this morning I had bran flakes for breakfast." Bleh.
Was out last night with some friends and committed a cardinal sin against one of my best friends. Blame it on the alchohol or my current pattern of recklessness or whatever but I remember doing it...even if no one else does. I spilled the beans; I spread the gossip; I told the secrets. I did it; I knew I was doing it; I was unable to refrain. Fortunately, after discretely poking around for information from the individual privy to my outburst, he has no recollection of this at all and so I am fairly certain there will be no reprocussions and the secret remains safe.
But this is troubling to me for several reasons. I admit that I like the gossip. I like to be the one in the know. I like to have more information that I can use however I like and I admit that this makes me a pretty good manipulator. However, I also am fiercely loyal to my friends. I love them like family and (at the risk of sounding dramatic) I would rather cut off my arm than betray a confidence. So what happened last night? Part of me thinks that even though my indiscretion was caught by the safety net of a vague statement, a loud bar, and a glaze of alcohol, I should confess my sin nevertheless. Does the consequence or lack of consequence change the fact that I betrayed my friend?? Wasn't my intention the most troublesome part?
I have been increasingly upset with this friend over the last few weeks. We haven't fought, this person hasn't done anything to me per se. But it's little things that I've overheard...things I have observed things that are making me wonder if this is the person I know and love. I think I'm frustrated because I don't feel entitled to bring this up. It really doesn't have anything to do with me. But I'm disappointed nevertheless. As irrational as this sounds, it sort of feels like betrayal. I suspect that my sin last night was an irrational strike at my friend. Totally ineffective and unfair because this person doesn't even know that I'm upset. And I think that regardless of the outcome of last night, the fact that I even went there necessitates a conversation.
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2 comments:
Has this happened before? You definitely love to gossip (not that there's anything wrong with that), and it wouldn't surprise me altogether to know you would lash out in this way. Not to say that you're indiscreet, but that it's something you do, and people are who they are. I've been having friend troubles lately, and lashing out at them in other ways, like tardiness, canceling plans, not answering calls, basic passive aggressive behavior, is my manifestation of it.
Eve - Good question. I don't know if it has happened before. I can honestly say that this is the first time that I've noticed it - the intentional betrayal of a confidence. And I do, in my personal code of conduct, have a bright line mark between information and confidences. As you say, I love to gossip but I try to be as cognizant as I can about what kind of information I am passing on. I would be in denial if I tried to proclaim that never ever had the line been blurred but this is the first time where my conscious intentions were foul.
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