Another Year Older...but what about wiser?

Every year, on my birthday, my thoughts inevitably turn to the past year in the hopes that I can say to myself..."you learned a lot this year...you didn't repeat past mistakes...you may be older...but you're also a little bit wiser."

I suppose this is the first birthday that I have had a forum to write these thoughts down but this is what I've come up with so far:

Procrastination - this is a problem that has not been solved. I'm currently sitting on an assignment that is due tomorrow, that I could definitely finish tonight...but I'm not going to. Why? I don't know...self sabatoge is the most likely reason I suppose. I have only ever handed one thing in late in my life and that was my last paper of my undergraduate degree where the professor said she would not take marks off for papers that were one day late. So I was one day late. So really I was on time. But invariably there are mad rushes to the finish line. This is a problem that is SOO fixable...maybe next year.

Break ups - I finally can be proud of my behavior in the end of a relationship. Unfortunately the recipient of such noble and honorable behavior was a less than worthy recipient. Just kidding...about the noble and honorable...not about the recipient. Seriously though...my last break up took a lot of restraint on my part and was extremely difficult for me but: I never dealt a low blow, never laid blame, didn't cry (much), didn't act crazy, was totally rational and calm. Even when he became a crazy person, I did not. This is the first breakup in my life where I can honestly say I have no regrets, nothing I was ashamed of doing. If I see him again, I can honestly say that I conducted myself well.

Confidence - this one is 50/50. I think it will be a work in progress for the rest of my life. I have learned to grapple with my fear of public speaking for good now (started with teaching, then court, then karaoke, and now I can do it with a modicum of confidence). That was a really challenging thing for me. Back in highschool when our school did various musicals and other productions I would always take part...but in a behind the scenes sort of way. Lighting was my speciality. I always sang...but in a choir, never on my own. This year I took part in my schools charity musical revue sort of thing. And not only did I perform, but I performed a duet...just me and another girl. And I didn't suffer stage fright...and I did ok.

The reason for the negative 50 is that I still am self-confidence challenged. I still have some self esteem issues, still second guess myself, still value my worth on the basis of my perception of how others see me, still allow myself to use that as an excuse to not tackle new challenges. This has been one of the most difficult character traits to grapple with in my life and it will continue to be something I fight. But I won't give up.

Fear of failure - it's tough to judge this one. I ran for election this year...albeit school election, but I ran for the top job. And lost. But I campaigned and put up posters of myself, and gave speeches and all that stuff...and lost. And recovered. So that's great. But on the other hand I'm procrastinating in preparing my applications for jobs - both summer and after school - and though part of me passes it off as a product of my procrastinating ways, in my heart of hearts I fear that it is due to my ingrained fear of failure.

This will probably be on my mind for the next little while as I ease into telling people that I am 27, not 26 (like a new calendar year, it takes awhile for me to shift my mind over). But I do have hopes for the next year - I want to find a job...and maybe find love (or at least someone I trust enough to maybe love). And I want to be able to dance - freestyle and sober. That may seem like a wierd thing to say, but it kind of embodies where I want to go with me. I suppose I should blow out a candle now...Happy birthday to me!