Holding up a mirror

I had a very privileged childhood - private school, figure skating, horseback riding, weekends skiing or in Hawaii. I wanted for nothing. And one thing that always pissed me off was when people treated me as if they thought I was a snob. Like they reacted to the way they thought I was going to treat them...or when bus drivers spit on us for no other reason than we were in our school uniforms.

I know...poor little rich kid.

But my point is that I feel in a lot of ways like I do a lot of what I do in my life because of this cosmic guilt I feel over how privileged I was. Like all the volunteering and crap. I feel like I have more to give back to my community than most people...like I owe more.

But I've been thinking about why I get angry about how I'm labelled...why I take it as such an affont, and why I am so quick to hold up my "contributions to society" as evidence of my un-snobbery. I think that what it really is, is a feeling of moral righteousness. Like I want some sort of award for what I do. And that makes me wonder, if you don't do something for the right reasons, then should you do it at all? And I think that the answer is, yes...you should...because the fact of the matter is that people benefit from your contributions whether you do it for noble reasons, or for nasty ones. But we should ask more of ourselves...we should expect of ourselves to do things for the right reasons, and not be so goddamned selfish.

And then I got to thinking about how I do treat other people. Maybe I do deserve a little anger or scorn. Maybe I am judgmental, and then aloof or cold when I deem someone to be beneath me. And I mean beneath me in terms of socioeconomic status, or in terms of intelligence, or education or attractiveness. This self analysis was all prompted by a conversation I alluded to in a drunken stupor on Thursday night. It really fucked me up emotionally, and has caused me to look at some of my interactions with people. We had a heart to heart about our relationship. We're good friends...but it took some time. I love him now...it really wouldn't take me much to fall "in love" with him...but it wasn't always the case. How do I describe him...he's quirky...he's not mainstream...he grew up in the bush...he's not conventionally handsome. And when I first met him...those were the things that were foremost in my mind. I could make excuses for myself - I was in love with the asshole with the dry-toast girlfriend at the time...yada yada yada...but none of that excuses that fact that the ugly truth is that I dismissed him. In retrospect, I can see that he put himself out there...and I rejected him. Not only did I reject him...but I don't think it would be too much to say I was rude. Quite frankly, if I were him I certainly wouldn't be friends with me, let alone saying the things he was saying.

There is no excuse for treating people poorly...sure, because you might become friends with them and grow very fond of them. But even if not...even if you never have cause to see them again. It takes just as much effort to be nice, as it does to be rude. And the bottom line is that we none of us are superior human beings...we maybe more advantaged, or luckier, or priviledged. But worthiness...shouldn't that be measured by our actions, and not by our opportunities? By what we do with our lives, and not what we were born with?